It's really just a question of..trust?

think of everyone you know, did know and no longer know? Is it that people change or that the trust is lost or one was the product of the next.

Something got me asking..when you once trusted someone with everything you've ever known and everything you are..was that just naiive? There is a degree of stupididty here no doubt. Let's face it, parents aside, there is little trust in this world..at least, not enought to go around.

Do i trust the government? Hell no , and i'm not just dissing the Egyptian government but look how far world leaders got us to this day..some did their part, some failed masses.

Do i trust society? that's a stupid question but here's the thing..at the end of the day..trust is a human to human thing. But can you not blame society and institutions for playing with people's perceptions.

I don't blame you for not being trustworthy. I blame the structures that formed you. i blame you for being so blind. In the end, i find you pitiful.

Amal, become a woman. No, stay an innocent child!

This incredible energy to let something out and in the open swept over me. Then i realized once again the power of words and music. I only have the words to let them out..the music comes from elsewhere to soothe the tired mind and remind me that others too felt it and let it out somehwere..

Me today is in a different place. Dissapointed at my own laziness to fight and do something. To believe in something and stand up for it. these people, with a cause, with a dream, reaching, running, doing..they just impressed me and i left it at that. I looked at them and wondered what is was like to be one of them. I looked at me, a shallow and lazy being in comparison. Ok, that is a dissapointing and negative staement to be making but i demand more of me.

The truth is, i was demanding more of life! Has it not given me enough? It has so far been giving me plenty..exciting travels, crazy but loving people and eye-opening events. It has given me happy moments and over-riding emotions carrying me from one place to the next. Often my mind has the tendencay to re-visit these places and goes back and forth and here's where the pace of just moving forward and carrying all that i have with an immense force into the future becomes difficult. So, i jump. I jump and throw it all in different places. Everything will fall in place sooner or later and new things will just throw themesleves at me, the sky will let go and rain and shower me when i need it to. That much, i know.

Right now...i am forcing a smile to remind me that i should be enjoying riding. And i am. It was strange..i was demanding what i did not want at all. This conflicting desire for love and security when i want to run free. I want to fly to new destinations and find myself in the world free of baggae and fullfilling dreams. Talking to people of places on sea side cafes. Learning spanish and dancing tango. Riding my bike to and from work. Learning and exploring writing on a river bank. Working in a bookstore. Not being scared. Being in new lives in new places, letting go of old lives and old people with a smile and a promise that they are in my heart regardless of where i am for them. It was difficult for me...

To grow up, i need to to Let go of old childish ideas and perceptions. I need to show those i truely care about that i do appreciate their presence in my life, all the time. They are family.

Some things you never ever thought will happen. Will happen. they will hurt you. Some things you never ever thought will happen. Will happen. They will make you fly with joy and happiness. Many more things, you have to go for..when u see them happening, you will smile and say, they are my happening :)


What do i miss? Being on a train in Europe :) :) What do i miss: laughing from my heart. The kind of laughter that really brings tears to my eyes.

On wastying time..be responsible. Be honest.

I had great aspirations, big dreams of flying again, living again..but i need to live todat. I need to make it happen now. Put the building blocks together. Believing and focusing on me was crucial but connecting and giving others from a strong base was just as important. Stand up, hold up.

Confidence to override jealousy and fear...insecurities to be calmed down. Forgiveness to beat anger.
goals goals goals :) a freind in each, a challenging perspective. A smile..

do let us go volunteer...

I know up until june i need to focus on very few essential goals but after that i must come round to the other important things including:
-travelling
-volunteering
-reading on certain issues
-applications
-languages and instruments
-dancing

me and me

sat together, confused and relaxed about it. Satified and indulging in it...

If you go, i stay with me. i contemplate, i speak, i am quite but i always be.

I no longer wonder what the future holds, i probably am the only person wo knows best and yet knows nothing at all on what will happen..I was a choice. I am making one.

Let go

I woke up and i knew i was unable to sleep with it anymore. I must not think it anymore. i must not think about it at all...this grudge, slowily walking it's way around my body, i want to spit it out!

Let go....i am letting go..but it keeps coming after me, there is no more regret there, i don't see it. but forgiveness hasn't been able to replace the void either, and so anger keeps pilling up coupled with his sad freind, sorrow. I want to leave this place of mind and never come back here...

He said: gorw up and be a woman. I know i hide in this childish immature mask where i ask ppl to serve me in appreciation of my simple perfect existence. It's not that true but maybe he real person i am angry at is me.

I am angry you let me down. I am angry at your bahviour. I am angry you were not nderstanding. I am angry you were not forgiving,. I am angry you lied to me. I am angry you left. I am angry at you for not loving me. Yes, Amal i am angry at you for all of those things...

I am angry because you wont just drop it and forget.


I will..i wil lstart another fresh chapter. A clean one, full of hope and aspirations to great things yet to come..More importantly, i am changing my theme to faith. I have faith in God, i have faith that given time and patience..things will get a lot better from here. I am grateful for everything God has given me so far, good health, education, guidance, a great job, a beautiful and supportive mother, my lovely sister, a believing family, great freinds and great ppl every step of the way. He gave me the will and strength to continue and to that and more i am grateful. I know i have been blessed and it makes me grateful and looking forward for more...


Breeeath..take a leap pf faith, relax and just breath. You know everything will be okay. You know there is no need to worry about anything at all...whatever went wrong willl correct itself into peace overtime..whatever is right, will bring itself overtime. I must just be conscious of choices and opportunities as they arise and who knows what this or that or what not will bring and do...
be accepting, be forgiving, be giving. be loving you and others.. :)
09..surprise me ;)

Too young? too ahead of your time.

I am troubled. And so i stop...If you just want to find an answer to those seemingly simple questions..what exactly does one turn to? Time. And while time was taking over me, getting wasted all over the place..i was unable to allow it to answer me, to give me guidance. I want to know and i want to know now! But you wont..

And what was the thing about stability and security..maybe they bring more unhappinnes? I don't know really..i was troubled. Wanting to be in a different place, wanting to turn back the hands of time..i just need to let it all rest and let it be.

Be, be there with me,